Truth Talk: Choosing Peace in a Time of Anxiety

Hello my lovely friends. It has been awhile since I posted a truth talk post, but I was feeling inspired I guess you could say. If you enjoy this piece please feel free to share it with friends or leave a comment below!

To say that these past six months has been a time filled with anxiety for me would probably be a great understatement. I should preference this by saying that I don’t believe that we are meant to live in a state of anxiety, fear, or worry. As a Christian, I believe that we are meant to live lives free of fear through the peace that surpasses understanding gifted to us by Christ. But more on that later. 

I understand that many people struggle with fear and anxiety. Certainly, right now our culture and society may be feeling more of these emotions than ever before in the face of the recent viral outbreaks. And sometimes, it may seem to us that our worries or fears are for good reason. 

I can honestly say that from a worldly point of view my worries these months have been valid. The simple and exciting fact here is that I’m pregnant, expecting a bundle of joy to arrive sometime in July (he’s currently kicking me in the ribs as I write this).   The difficult and worrisome backstory is that this is not my first pregnancy, or even my second, or third. It’s the fourth time actually. 

The fourth time I’ve had a suspicion and peed on the stick and seen two little pink lines. As you can imagine each subsequent time I found out I was pregnant, the emotions grew more complex. Excitement, sure. Joy of course. Trepidation and fear most definitely. 

As a side note, I don’t know that I could ever correlate any part of miscarriage to blessing, but I will say that I consider myself fortunate to have experienced only very early losses. Each time I discovered I was pregnant, within a matter of days the pregnancy would end. 

This was mentally taxing of course but physically could have been so much worse. Not to get into the weeds with reproductive science, but the detail to mention here is that what I was experiencing was known as a chemical pregnancy loss: too early to pick up the embryo or gestational sac on an ultrasound, but pregnant long enough for my body to start producing pregnancy hormones (hence the positive tests). 

The sad reality is that these types of losses are incredibly common and seen more today than ever before because of more sensitive at-home tests that can detect pregnancies earlier than was previously possible.  

While each of these losses was heartbreaking and so so sad, I don’t want to take away from the fact that I felt incredibly blessed to be able to pregnant in the first place, and repeatedly, so easily. Even if they weren’t “sticking” my body was still able to get pregnant which my doctor informed me was such a good sign. Eventually she assured me, it would work. 

So with a lot of uncertainty we decided to try once more, and here we are six months later with a wonderfully healthy baby growing in my belly. Our doctor appointments have been nothing but positive, our ultrasounds show a perfectly forming little one, and despite some growing aches and pains I have had a very straight forward pregnancy.  

Yet, it would be a lie to say that I have been at ease during this pregnancy. 

I believe in God and His sovereignty and grace with my whole heart. I believe that He is greater than any other name, or power, fear in this whole earth. That he has a good and perfect plan and that he works all things to the good of those who love him for his glory. 

But I have struggled. 

I have struggled to maintain a hold on the peace that surpasses understanding that I know is promised to me. 

Now is a time when many of us need peace. 

Quarantines and disease outbreaks were something that our grandparents faced in their childhoods, but our collective memory as a society has forgotten how to live this life. We have fears of getting ill, loneliness, or the loss of jobs, money, security, safety, and the comfort of our normal everyday lives. 

But today is Good Friday. For those of you who don’t know, Good Friday is the day we Christians reverently remember the crucifixion and death of Jesus Christ. There might not be a better example in the Bible of a group of people cast into anxiety. Even Jesus himself on the eve of his death asks His Heavenly Father if there might not be another way, that maybe he doesn’t need to die. The divine man sweats blood he is in such distress over what he knows the future could bring but ultimately he accepts that God is working for something greater. I am so glad that Jesus did not allow his fear over the future stop him from laying down his life at the cross. It is this sacrifice that sanctifies me and all others who claim Him as Savior. It is this sacrifice that makes me able to release my fears and accept his gift of peace. 

After his death, Jesus’ friends and followers who had spent the previous months close to his side are lost in their own fears and anxieties. Their week had begun with their friend, teacher, and soon to be savior, being welcomed into Jerusalem by waving palms and smiling faces. They were welcomed into homes as honored guests, dined in comfort, and witnessed miracles. Yet by Friday they were confined to a house in a locked upper room. Hidden away in fear and uncertainty.

Sound familiar? Can we not identify with a week or month that starts with the joys of spring. New sports seasons, baby and wedding showers, flowers starting to bloom, spring break vacation plans about to take place. Only to end up isolated in our homes unsure of when things will return to normal. I could identify with these feelings when this new pregnancy began, I was constantly wondering (and still often do) where this road would lead. 

The news, media, experts, raw numbers, and social media,  would tell us all we have reasons to fear. My past experiences with pregnancy loss would tell me to live in a place of pure anxiety while I carry this sweet one within me. 

But my God would say that from the darkest moments He brings forth redemption. From the worst Friday imaginable He will bring forth a glorious life-giving Sunday. From a season of darkness, hurt, and fear, he will birth time of miraculous joy, peace, and courage. 

I can’t guarantee what the rest of this pregnancy will look like. I can’t promise that you will make it through our time of quarantine unscathed by the virus or without having to miss out on something you looked forward to. But I can promise you that there is a God who offers the gift of salvation and never-ending peace. I can promise you that the darkness of today and this season will not and cannot outlast the light of Christ Jesus. 

It is that light that  I choose to stand in during this time of uncertainty. I hope you too will consider choosing peace over fear.

Happy Good Friday friends.

~ Chloe M.